My grandma's death anniversary is this week.
I would like to thank everyone who reached out to me last year when she died,
and everyone who prayed for her during her fight against leukemia.
She struggled for a long time. She suffered for such a long time.
And to be honest, I don't think I was the granddaughter I should have been.
Although I contstantly reached out to you guys for prayers,
i don't think I was truly aware of her pain and suffering.
I wish I was, and I wish I was there for her the entire time.
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I would just like to share what was going through my heart and mind last year when she passed away that day.
I was at the Naval Hospital with my family.
Grandma Esther was in the hospital bed, twisting and turning.
I ran outside to find any nurse or doctor who could help her.
One of her tube thingies was disconnected or something.
I could hardly make out the words to simply ask them to reconnect it to her.
I was already beginning to cry.
For some reason, I felt in my heart that these were her last hours on earth.
When the nurse left, I began to speak to grandma, but she snapped back to me to be quiet because her head was hurting and she just wanted to sleep. I'm tearing and giggling thinking about this because she was always so blunt.
I had to go to work at this time.
So, as I was getting ready to leave I told her, "I'm going to work. I'll be right back, okay?? I LOVE YOU."
I don't know why but I wanted to emphasize that I'll be back... as if I was telling her to not let go while I was gone.
The moment I arrived to work my mom called and said, "You need to come back to the hospital."
I shuddered and responded, "Why?"
"Grandma passed away."
Everything around me disappeared. My coworker told me to go.
I wanted to run but could hardly move.
I was sobbing in the hallway of my work.
People were freaking out.
The drive to the hospital was a complete blurr.
When I arrived to the hospital, I walked into the unit she was in, went to her room, and as I opened the door, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
I've never experienced death in that way.
To have been talking to the person you love so dearly one minute, and the next they're gone.
I still remember that moment of complete disbelief, as I stared at her...
I don't mean to make anyone feel sad or bad about this whole situation as you're scrolling through facebook trying to find a funny meme to brighten up your day.
I'm sharing this because I honestly need release.
I don't think I'm fully healed from this, and I don't think I'll ever be.
I honestly wish I could go back and be with her and hug her. Do all the things for her. Spend the time with her that I should have spent. I wish I could have told her I loved her more often. I wish I could have taken more time to talk to her. These are the things that her death has taught me.
Life is so short, and you shouldn't be afraid to love and to love in the best way you can, even if that love isn't returned.
Put away your selfish desires.
Put away your ego.
Put away your pride.
Put away your fear.
I truly wish you all could learn this before losing that person.
Requiescat in Pace, Esther Eclavea.
